Our Most Hilarious Mailbag Messages with Our Responses

It’s time to review the highly unusual items in our mailbag once again.

As a popular publication, we are besieged with incoming notices, press releases, requests and enquiries. Most of them are innocuous, although we do seem to be receiving hourly requests from “outreach managers” for various contraband content.

Those are summarily ignored.

But hidden in the mail pile are some rather juicy messages that are often quite amusing. Below you’ll find a list of the best from the past year, along with our responses, if we actually replied to them.

Note that all of these messages are literally as received, simply cut and pasted into this story. You’ll see atrocious grammar, terrible spelling, questionable attitudes and nonsensical proposals. You won’t see any personal or corporate information, as we have removed it to protect the guilty.

Valuable Pet Food

How are you doing? Please accept my invitation for an expert roundup on the topic, “pet food”. I genuinely want you to contribute your valuable opinion on this. ” 50 Pet Owners Reveal The Best Food for Their Pets” is the question of interest.

I know things might be really busy for you but it would be great if you can contribute 100 words only.

There are a couple of issues with your request. First, we write about 3D printers, not pets. In fact, pets are actually quite dangerous around 3D printers, as they get caught up in the mechanism and burn their nose or other body parts.

Secondly, I don’t have a pet.

Set Up An Interview

I think your audience would be interested in this physicist’s take about extraterrestrials. He argues the eventual merging of human and machine — as is already happening with research being done by Elon Musk’s Neuralink — proves superintelligence exists outside of Earth. It’s his answer to the Fermi paradox. May I set up an interview with [REDACTED] for you?

I’m imagining a merger of our readers with their 3D printers, and the resulting scene doesn’t look pretty. In fact, our audience is actually interested in 3D print materials, not extraterrestrials. On the other hand, would these unnamed extraterrestrials have some new filament we could test? Can you ask for some? Would it help if you mentioned Elon’s name?

Laser Football

Hi when is this laser engraver going to be available in the UK and the price as well

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glyn_Riley

So many questions here. First, we don’t sell in the UK. Second, we don’t sell devices. Third, we don’t cover laser engravers.

However, what’s really interesting is the link you provided to the Wikipedia page of noted UK footballer Glyn Riley, who played for several teams between 1974 and 1989, including his home town of Barnsley.

Do you plan on laser engraving Glyn? Please don’t!

Automobile Screw

Hello, manager

I’m Doris,  we understand that you need titanium fasteners.

We have mature and stable production processes and factories from China.

This week, we recommend a titanium screw for automobiles.

Hello, Doris

I am actually quite interested in obtaining a mature screw for my “automobile”. It hasn’t had a lot of action recently, and the prospect of screwed titanium is, well, delicious!

Breath of Fresh Air

Hi Kerry,

Oh – a very good start! They know my name!

I ran across your website and read your articles on Resin, I appreciated the attention to detail. There’s more than enough nonsense masquerading as marketing advice for creators out there online, but your piece was a breath of fresh air. 🙂

Yes, yes. Very true, I’m with you here.

Are you interested in adding a resource on “8 Reasons Why Entrepreneurs Must Have A Prenup” by exclusive content?

Um, no. How about “8 Reasons Why Entrepreneurs Must Have a 3D Printer?”

And it was going so well until the last paragraph…

Pants on Fire

I’m looking for levis supplier I want to start a business so I need a supplier

It sounds like you’re thinking correctly here: a Levis business would most definitely require a Levis supplier. Makes PERFECT SENSE.

We are not that supplier.

New Job!

We obtained your information and after sorting through it, we discovered that your experience and knowledge make you a suitable applicant to be considered for one of our part-time jobs.

Job Type: part-time
Job title:Package Warehouse Coordinator
Payment rate: $2,800.00 a month

Honestly, I don’t think I would be a good candidate for a warehouse coordinator. There must be something wrong with your apparently highly sophisticated job matching system.

Do you have anything that involves opening packages? I am pretty good at that.

Free Printers

Hello ,
We are looking for partners to invest our 3D printers for free, if you are interested, let’s talk more.

I am VERY interested. Any opportunity that involves a completely free investment should provide almost infinite return on investment. Count me in for free!

Also: Can I invite my friends?

Northern Ireland Photo

Hello

Please kindly find the photo  as attached to you for your approval

I will be needing a price list for the products attached, with FOB Prices,

Please send us Quote and availability for the attached items and inform earliest shipment date.to Northern Ireland

Can you ship to Northern Ireland for some urgent trial order?

I was almost certain we could do this, except for one rather serious issue: you did not include the image. Or the products. Or your address in Northern Ireland.

Sending a pic of what you want is an intriguing idea — it’s kind of like being in a Finnish restaurant and pointing at the images of food dishes to order. Except this is for a business and I’m wondering how your purchasing department let you do this.

Bank Problem

Greeting.
Yesterday evening I purchased around 3 hundred bucks worth of goods from your store.
Right after spending money on goods, a note appeared on the web page that it was impossible to obtain cash from my credit card and my payment was declined.
But when I got into my banking account, I noticed that the did happened.
Please handle this problem and give back the funds as quickly as possible.
I’m also attaching my statement to confirm the drawback of the funds.].

My Bank Statement view
My Bank Statement Password: 478

My goodness, this sounds pretty serious. Spending “3 hundred bucks” is a lot of cash, especially when we don’t even have a store. That said, it’s impossible to verify any of this because although you provided your “Password”, you didn’t provide any other credentials or documents.

Do you even have a credit card? How old are you, anyway?

Comrades!

Dear Sir,

My name is Comrade [REDACTED], the Director of [REDACTED] Global Company. We are based in Togo and we are into Export and Import business.

We understand that your company supplies some products that fit our business requirements. Please send me your Catalog or Brochure and price list to learn more about your products.

We look forward to working with you, and hope this is the beginning of a long and prosperous business relationship.

Hello Comrade! It is with good health I greet you and your fine Export and Import Business! It is entirely possible for us to send you a catalog of our products, but unfortunately it would be completely empty as we sadly do not sell products. Comrade, I know this could be disappointing, but I sincerely hope this will not disrupt our long and prosperous relationship.

Long live the revolution!